College is full of freaks. Remember that. Granted, I’m sure someone around here must think I’m a certified weirdo too, but that’s beside the point. There are always those annoying, socially awkward people who decide to latch on to you like a parasite just cuz you were nice to them.
Brain: *But AMG, that’s how normal people make friends!*
Me: Shut up, brain. I don’t need friends.
Like I said, in college you will always have someone’s unwanted attention. Lucky for you, here are my tips and tricks to deal with all the weird people in your life:
1. The flirt:
The flirt is that one guy friend you make thinking he’s completely harmless and funny, but then everyone once in a while he’ll give you a flirty compliment or try to get you to hug him even though he’s not your type and you’re probably out of him league. For me this is the huge Mexican dude in my English class. Here’s how to deal with him:
- pretend you’re a lesbian: I’m not even kidding. You don’t have to outwardly say you’re gay, but just give off that vibe. Wearing a lot of plaid usually does the trick. Or refer to your female friends as your girlfriend, sit like a dude. You know, standard gay stereotypes. (**Note: I have nothing against homosexuals and I know they don’t all follow the stereotypes. But, desperate times call for desperate measures.**)
- if you aren’t up for playing gay, friendzone him. Hard. Talk about how you have cramps or call him your brother or tell him you’ve sworn off dating until you’re thirty.
- if all else fails you could always explain that you’re Muslim and you don’t date for religious reasons. But that’s not as fun.
2. The dweeb
This is the overly friendly, nerdy, awkward guy who more or less stalks you. He always asks you about that one class you have together and never anything else. He tries to follow you and walk you to your next class on occasion. More recently he’s tried to make jokes and be funny, but mostly he just stares at you from across the room. So what is a girl to do?
- you could always ignore him and act like a jerk until he gets the message, but that’s a little rude.
- be even weirder than him and scare him off. Mention you taxidermy squirrels on the weekend, or tell him you have a collection of chewed gum you find under your desks, or tell him your favorite candy is the earwax flavored jelly beans from Harry Potter World.
- or you could embrace it and enjoy the attention because really, when is the next time a guy is gonna give you the time of day?
3. The girl who doesn’t know you arent her friend.
You ask this girl about the homework ONE TIME in class and suddenly she thinks you two are bfffls. She says hi to you in the hallways, saves you a seat in class, and asks you who you’re dating. Normally, this girl would totally be friend material, but its monday, you’re tired, and she is just So. Freaking. Peppy. So now what?
- refer to “The dweeb”
- keep her. She maybe annoying now, but later on you might need her.
4. The Lost Boys/Girls
These poor kids haven’t fully adjusted to their new surroundings, so they pick someone in their class (you) to cling to. They never actually speak to you, but they always sit next to you. It wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t so inherently awkward. Like, they have an aura of awkwardness around them. They’re clumsy, nervous, and always look scared. There are only few things you can do in this situation:
- try sitting in a different spot everyday. If they still sit next to you then you might have an actual problem.
- again, ignore them.
- be nice and try to make friends. You’re both awkward and weird, maybe you’ll click.
DISCLAIMER: this was all said in jest and is to be taken with a grain of salt. I don’t mean to call anyone out or be insulting.
Moral of the story:
I am antisocial and I don’t care who knows it.